Becca Williams: On Self Respect

In terms of writing idols, Joan Didion is probably near or at the top of my list. I love Didion’s raw honesty that brings about a new meaning to inclusivity of audience. Didion has this way of explaining complicated truth and concepts in her writings in such a way that you feel like you could be in the same room with her listening to her speak. For me, this is a skill I aspire to develop some day when I reach the “grown up” stage if my writing, (if that ever even happens). 

I found myself reading and rereading the second page of this piece because there were so many sentences that jumped out at me as being absolutely profound, not just in terms of being a writer but being a decent human being. One of the major quotes was “there is a common superstition that “self-respect” is a kind of a charm against snakes, something that keeps those who have it locked in some unblighted Eden, out of strange beds, ambivalent conversations, and trouble in general. It does not at all. It has nothing to do with the face of things, but instead concerns a separate peace, a private reconciliation.” (216). This quote really struck me because I felt like what she was saying was there’s this misconception that in order to respect ourselves and our work, we have to be perfect, and ultimately nothing is perfect. We as people and our work is always in progress and ever changing and that’s ok, it’s ok to be blemished and imperfect as long as the effort is behind us, we have to respect the achievements we’ve made or attempted. 

Self-Alienation and Self-Respect

I have been grappling with the concept of self-alienation since reading Freud and Lacan in Literary Criticism last semester. In my understanding, we view ourselves from a distance, influenced by the world (the other) and our place in it, and this image is our ego. Didion offers an eloquent, emotional perspective of self-alienation and what she conceptualizes as self-respect that could reconcile this duality. For Didion, self-respect concerns a private recollection, a certain toughness, a moral nerve, a discipline, a habit of mind. It is about accepting the consequences of one's own life, because "anything worth having has its price" (217). This quote was especially striking,

"However long we postpone it, we eventually lie down alone in that notoriously uncomfortable bed, the one we make ourselves. Whether or not we sleep in it depends, of course, on whether or not we respect ourselves" (216).

The quote is chilling and resonates on a personal level. I'm sure anyone can recall a time they were restless in bed, but I believe the most meaningful phrase is 'the one we make ourselves.' Didion's point is we have to be unapologetic in manifesting our inner truth to reality and accept the consequences of our actions. This is difficult, and hiding the truth is easy. The paragraph staring with 'Like Jordan Baker' on page 216 tells examples of hiding, of not standing up and facing one's own consequences like complaining of unfairness, etc.

"To lack [self-respect] is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference" (218). This makes sense to me because I have personally experienced unsustainable relationships where I played a role doomed to failure before it even begun. I lacked self-respect and I was not honest with myself from the inside out. My inner truth was not reflected in my actions, I was submissive. I felt false accommodating while resentful on the inside, and I would often complain of unfairness. But that was my own fault, because I helped establish those kind of relationship norms, I was not honest with myself and I did not accept the consequences for my actions. I feel like this was the perfect time to read "On Self-Respect" by Joan Didion.

Me time

I've always liked doing things alone. I've always liked doing things with other people too. In recent years, though, I've been trying to get better at actually being alone. By this I mean: spending time alone with my thoughts, without getting lost in "an interminable documentary that details one's failings," as Didion puts it on page 216. To me, this is self respect. Learning how to be alone with myself. Learning how to be patient with myself.

"To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves - there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home."

This is a beautifully written piece, but I didn't feel anything tear at my heart more than this last line on 218. This made me think of all the times I've struggled to be alone. I used to avoid it at all costs. I would find any excuse, any distraction. I would look for anything to read, anything to watch, anything to say, anywhere to go, until I felt like I was busy enough to exist. I still grapple with these urges, but these days I have more support and more knowledge of my own mental health.

"The final turn of the screw" honestly reminds me of torture. Literal torture. Specifically, I'm thinking of thumbscrews: tools developed in medieval Europe to crush thumbs, fingers, and toes. This is a morbid thought, but all I can see are parallels between torture (physical or otherwise) and a lack of self respect. When you don't have it, when you can't find it, you're only hurting yourself. You're twisting that screw and crushing your thumb until there's nothing left. 

Of course, with actual thumbscrews, slaves and prisoners weren't literally torturing themselves... but I'm trying to build a metaphor. In this metaphor, the thumb is the spirit. It's kinda messy, but whatever. Anyway, to me, self respect means being alone with myself. It means giving myself time to reflect and repair and listen to whatever thoughts are rattling around in my head without trying to stomp them down. Joan Didion ends this piece with what seems like a pretty ominous warning. To me, the warning is clear. If you don't spend enough time with yourself to know what you're worth, to treat yourself with care, one day you're going to stop and realize you're empty. I think this is kind of an extreme way to remind readers to love themselves, but I'm still into it.

On the Respect I Have for Joan Didion

I just love her. Didn’t I say that I my expert work presentation? She’s truly the best. Back when I read this article for the very first time some years ago I immediately copied this quote and stuck it on the wall in my bedroom where I keep all nuggets of Great Wisdom and some occassional bits of Tomfoolery.

As this essay relates to me and my own efforts to be the best writer I can be, I always get a particular sting when I arrive at the mention of “the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice or carelessness”. I’m a pretty fierce individualist, and to a fault, I don’t often reflect on the things I have said or done to other people. But man oh man do I lie awake at night ruminating on every idea I have ever had for a piece of writing that I knew was good, if not great, that I couldn’t be bothered to bring into existence. It’s as though I don’t have enough respect for the self that existed in that moment to bring her ideas into existence, regardless if there will be an audience to consume them in delight or a grade that needs to be given.

The other thing that gets me in particular about this piece is the way Didion contextualizes self-respect in relation to those other people in our lives that baffle and frustrate us to no end; it’s a dark thought, but being envious of someone else’s contentment with their writing or their art or their very existence while you writhe over your own is a pointed and very dangerous waste of time.

One last thing that I just love so much about this article is the following quote:

“There is a similar case for all the small disciplines, unimportant in themselves; imagine maintaining any kind of swoon, commiserative or carnal, in a cold shower.”

To be, she means that while coming to terms with all aspects of yourself can be a frightening and hugely unpleasant experience. But that doesn’t mean when you feel the urge to cry or give up, you should immediately stop yourself and revert back to a state where you weren’t moving in the direction of change through an unpleasant realization. Just as with great bursts of inspiration, where I drop everything to write for a magical few hours, it would be inane to say to myself “Hey, now how can I avoid acting on this inspiration? What can I do to shift my conscious away from doing this great thing that I’d really, really like to do?” Self-respect is a two-way street, in that sense, too much bemoaning your own faults and too much glorifying your own triumphs makes for truly stunted skills, writing included.

Responsibilty

“Character — the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life — is the source from which self-respect springs.” I think we all go through moments in our life in which we have self-respect and moments when we don't. During my freshmen year I played college football at a small school in Montana fulfilling a dream that I had as a young kid. Pretty much my entire life I had focused on playing football so when halfway through my freshman year I tore my ACL and MCL. I did the whole rehab thing but just wasn't the same and ended up quitting. At this point I had basically no respect for myself. Blamed everyone around me for what had happened and what was happening to me. My entire being was focused on this one thing so when it was taken I had no idea what I could even do. I was totally unwilling to look at myself at try to reinvent myself.
Eventually after about a year and a half of hating myself, dropping out of school, and moving back home working construction for my uncle I realized that I was the person that was holding me back. I had to get rid of my own preconceived notions of who I was if I was ever going to do more with my life. I needed to take responsibility for my own life. I definitely still question myself about whether I belong or if I am going to do anything in my future but now more than ever I have respect for myself. I have become more willing to take risks and to accept the outcomes of these choices.

my blast-drafted thoughts of interpretation

I love Joan Didion, but that doesn't mean I understand her. At the risk of losing face, I admit, but still have the self-respect to do so, ha. There are moments in my weeks where I let my fears and insecurities fudge with my self-respect, but I always find it again. Misplaced versus lost self respect, didion wasn't elected to Phi Beta Kappa and this was a pivot point, felt like she lost her innocence lights wouldn't magically turn green for her  etc. innocent and simple virtues of self of childhood had been lost or now those weren't alone going to cut it anymore. Real self-respect, true self respect isn't a given, we need to earn it for ourselves as adults, as part of coming of age, and no longer really has to do with the approval of others, but rather self-approval.You can't fake it until you make it, you can't fake for long. A day or two perhaps, but eventually you're found out. 

We need courage to endure and accept possible risk, and if we don't risk, we risk losing the ability to keep moving forward. If we have self-respect we will take risks, as not much can be gained otherwise. Behave, act, move, and commit every detail to fulfilling the human element, the self beliefs and steer clear of the snake in the grass of garden who wishes to lead us astray. I view every day as risky, getting out of bed, every word I write and each email I send. Its risky. If we respect ourselves we don't wallow in the bed of regret. People with self-respect have the courage to live with their mistakes past and move forward unabated or hindered from past slights of self or other. New discipline, self-acknowledgement, grabbing the bootstraps and all. Its good to look back every once in a while, but only to ascertain whether you're on the higher road than that of before. Be true to self, and not about something only for the sake of others or a radical idea. Hold fast in your true beliefs and keep walking up the mountain, not down, shun weakness and the sun will shine upon thee. 

Learning still

The first time I realized someone didn't like me for me and not for some preconceived notion or some reason I could repin back on them was early in high school. I was (can still be) a sharp-tongued person. It is something I continually work on, focus on, reflect on. Why? Self-respect, I suppose.  There is a saying that goes something like care not what others think of you, only what you think of yourself. This is so...utopian.

It cannot be avoided that others perceptions of us reflect not only themselves but ourselves as well. Didion speaks about identity and self-respect as parallels throughout this piece. "It takes two to make an accident".

This is so very true. While it is important to analyze and identify when another's perception of you is mislead or fueled with malintent it is also important to realize when it is you in the wrong. It becomes a weird thin tightwire across our canopies if canopies can allude to individual perception feeding into a whole.

The first time I asked someone why they didn't like me, it was hard. I can be perceived as cold, detached, an asshole, overly analytical. I never would've learned these things if I didn't have enough self-respect to ask. All of these things at moments in my life have defined me. In this moment, this early high school moment, I came to realize that my insults, meant to be in jest mostly, were often perceived as hurtful. In Dr. Ballenger's radio essay class we listened to an essay from This American Life which explored a man's identity amongst his friends. He discovered that he is the asshole. That his friends didn't like him. He chooses not to change.

This, to me, is not self-respect. This is burying one's head in the sand. This is pretending everyone else is wrong. Self-respect is about the ability to identify and grow as a person. To contribute on a greater scale than we did yesterday.

On Character

I was at the store the other day, buying some bananas or flaxseeds or whatever, and the person scanning my stuff asked if I had any plans for the day. I told them I just had some homework to do, and on the subject of school, I mentioned that I'd just picked up my cap and gown that day. As the conversation went on, they mentioned that their mom has three degrees, all in different fields, and all motivated solely by personal interest. I said that the best thing I've gotten out of college is character development, which is why Didion's line on page 216 stood out to me so strongly:

"...character - the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life - is the source from which self-respect springs."

I love this definition of character. I always think of character as sort of an intangible, abstract concept, and I guess it is, but thinking of it as almost a verb helps me to conceptualize it. It also helps give me something to work toward, in the lifelong quest of character building.

It makes sense to think of enrolling in college as a way to take responsibility for one's own life, or at least to take one's life in one's own hands. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I changed my major a number of times before deciding on one that I really felt comfortable with. Biology and nursing were both fields that I was pushed into by my mom, who had some vision of me as an employable person. When I decided on English, it was all me, and at that point I'd already dropped out twice. The commitment I've carried out to myself is, I suppose, something to be proud of, if pride can be equated with self-respect.

Genre = Conventions + Social practices

Reiff and Bawarshi's study of knowledge transfer or transformation in FYC provided insight to what genre knowledge students draw on and different approaches they might take in doing so. This is particularly important information for me since I will teach first year writing. When reading this, I thought back to my experience in English 102, my first writing course at Boise State, and tried to remember what my understanding of genre was and how (and if) I adapted to a novice role. I couldn't remember anything valuable, though, since we did not experiment with genre in that class (everything was a five paragraph research paper).

I hope I have room to experiment with genre in my class. The biggest thing I learned from the study is to engage students in metacognitive reflection. By asking students what they think an assignment is asking and what previous writing assignments it reminds them of, I could disrupt "the maintenance of strict domain boundaries" the article states FYC is the perfect situation for (331).  Students in FYC are reflecting on their previous writing experience while adapting to new ones, whether as boundary crossers or guarders.

I believe I started as a boundary guarder because I was very confident in my five paragraph argumentative essay and resorted to that until exposed to different genres. Honestly, I think I first became aware of genre in Engl 329, Grammar, Style and Writing. By that time, I had worked with different genres--creative nonfiction, brevity, blog, flash fiction, newsletters, memos, etc. Engl 329 was the first time I began to conceptualize myself as a multifaceted writer skilled in multiple genres.

I like the Devitt quote on page 331,

"...even after writers learn to perform within a genre, they can use the genre awareness they have learned to understand what they are doing more deeply, more purposefully, and more rhetorically."

It stood out to me because it highlights the significance of not only understanding different genres, but also the abstract process of transferring or transforming that knowledge from one genre to the next. That kind of metacognitive reflection is valuable as a writing specialist or expert communicator who has a message for many different audiences in different situations, and it points out we are always learning.

I like the definition of genre as an orienting framework that helps develop "awareness of how rhetorical conventions are meaningfully connected to social practices." (314). Genre inevitably has a social component because it is so audience centered. Because it is social, it is highly situational since social norms change. This could be a reason why even writers themselves don't always have a firm grip on genre and are always learning new ones. Like the quote mentions above, a good writer will engage in metacognitive reflection and harness the abstract and difficult process of knowledge transformation.

One of more farvorite takeaways from this article was the idea that a genre acts as a “tool of cognition”; before we even realize it we are considering the form our piece of writing must occupy as we begin to imagine its existence. It reminds me of the way I handle projects in my art and sculpture classes. Typically we get an assignment that gives us dimensions, media, and a due date. Art has genres in the same way that writing does, but when we are given an idea of what is expected of us or who our audience will be, we know we can only craft a piece of art, or writing, that will fit in those parameters.

As for the ideas of boundary crosses and boundary guarders, I think it definitely depends on the particular mood I happen to be in and the attitude I have about the genre I am working with. Being a guarder in the past has definitely led me to keep repeating rookie mistakes in my writing when it comes to genre convention; I was a chronic over-explainer and had convinced myself that the genres I was functioning in required the excess of information to meet audience expectations until I realized there was a new forms of writing that appropriately satisfied the conventions of the genre while still creating effective writing. Then, I became more of a crosser, picking what strategies I already knew of and applying them to my writing when I see it could help improve it.

On with the show

This week's title is from "The Show Must Go On" by Queen, because that's what I'm listening to right now!

I'm not sure if Reiff and Bawarshi's piece helped me understand the complexities of genre more, but it certainly inspired me to consider my own transition from high school to college writing classes. As an intimidated little 18 year old, how did I transfer my knowledge and experience with genres to a new wide world of academia?

I can't really pinpoint what "discursive resources" I brought with me to my first year writing courses, mostly because I didn't have first year writing courses... I never took English 101 or 102 because of my AP English exam score. AP English Literature was the only advanced placement class I bothered getting involved with in high school, and it ended up being super valuable. I had an amazing teacher who I'm actually still friends with to this day. (Shout-out to Paula Uriarte at Capital High!) My experience with writing in high school (at least junior and senior year) was similar to the students' described on page 322:

Students remarked on high school classes that "covered a little of everything"; senior English classes that exposed them to "different writing styles and different areas of writing"; or a comfort level established due to "writing several papers in high school programs."

I'm not sure if I would categorize myself that year as a "boundary crosser" or a "boundary guarder." In some ways I think I was more of a guarder, as this article defines it, in large part due to my "confidence level" (325). I knew the conventions of a decent amount of written, oral, and digital genres before I even stepped foot on campus. I felt like I was a really good writer - at least, better at writing than everything else. In a lot of ways, though, I was clearly inexperienced.

Further substantiating the distinction we draw between boundary guarders and crossers, their findings revealed that even though students confidently identified a range of genres and exhibited confidence in their incoming writing skills (taking an "expert" rather than "novice" stance), this confidence did not necessarily translate to genre performance. (331).

Some of the first writing courses I took here were creative writing, which I was already experienced in. I took two creative writing classes in high school, both from the same teacher I took AP English from, and I even helped form the creative writing club there. However, I started really struggling when I had to take more literature classes here. Despite my experience in high school, I wasn't that confident writing literary analysis papers. I knew what they had to look like, but could I produce a good one? Rarely.

Of course this all depended on the subject matter of the writing class and how invested I was in everything, but at this point in my education I found myself shifting more to the boundary crossing point of view. I realized I was more of a novice than I thought, so I had to adjust accordingly.