"To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves - there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home."
This is a beautifully written piece, but I didn't feel anything tear at my heart more than this last line on 218. This made me think of all the times I've struggled to be alone. I used to avoid it at all costs. I would find any excuse, any distraction. I would look for anything to read, anything to watch, anything to say, anywhere to go, until I felt like I was busy enough to exist. I still grapple with these urges, but these days I have more support and more knowledge of my own mental health.
"The final turn of the screw" honestly reminds me of torture. Literal torture. Specifically, I'm thinking of thumbscrews: tools developed in medieval Europe to crush thumbs, fingers, and toes. This is a morbid thought, but all I can see are parallels between torture (physical or otherwise) and a lack of self respect. When you don't have it, when you can't find it, you're only hurting yourself. You're twisting that screw and crushing your thumb until there's nothing left.
Of course, with actual thumbscrews, slaves and prisoners weren't literally torturing themselves... but I'm trying to build a metaphor. In this metaphor, the thumb is the spirit. It's kinda messy, but whatever. Anyway, to me, self respect means being alone with myself. It means giving myself time to reflect and repair and listen to whatever thoughts are rattling around in my head without trying to stomp them down. Joan Didion ends this piece with what seems like a pretty ominous warning. To me, the warning is clear. If you don't spend enough time with yourself to know what you're worth, to treat yourself with care, one day you're going to stop and realize you're empty. I think this is kind of an extreme way to remind readers to love themselves, but I'm still into it.
I love the thumbscrew metaphor, Rebekah, and it's a thoughtful riff off of the last line in Didion's piece. It makes much sense to me that our ability to be alone is one measure of self-respect, especially if that time is spent attempting to "know what you're worth." I have found, though, that when I view time alone as a refuge from the world--a means of escaping from others' expectations of me--it doesn't often make me feel better about myself. I just use that time to stew about my shortcomings or distract myself. It's how we spend that alone time that seems key, and you seem to have figured out a way to make an in exercise in "self love." I'm envious.
ReplyDeleteA few years ago in a class I LA'd for we looked at an article about what it means to be alone, and a quote from it went something like; "True character is liking the company you keep in lonely moments." IT's a difficult thing to do! But your points and takeaways made me think of that; while it's a challenging endeavor, it's worthwhile.
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