I just love her. Didn’t I say that I my expert work presentation? She’s truly the best. Back when I read this article for the very first time some years ago I immediately copied this quote and stuck it on the wall in my bedroom where I keep all nuggets of Great Wisdom and some occassional bits of Tomfoolery.
As this essay relates to me and my own efforts to be the best writer I can be, I always get a particular sting when I arrive at the mention of “the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice or carelessness”. I’m a pretty fierce individualist, and to a fault, I don’t often reflect on the things I have said or done to other people. But man oh man do I lie awake at night ruminating on every idea I have ever had for a piece of writing that I knew was good, if not great, that I couldn’t be bothered to bring into existence. It’s as though I don’t have enough respect for the self that existed in that moment to bring her ideas into existence, regardless if there will be an audience to consume them in delight or a grade that needs to be given.
The other thing that gets me in particular about this piece is the way Didion contextualizes self-respect in relation to those other people in our lives that baffle and frustrate us to no end; it’s a dark thought, but being envious of someone else’s contentment with their writing or their art or their very existence while you writhe over your own is a pointed and very dangerous waste of time.
One last thing that I just love so much about this article is the following quote:
“There is a similar case for all the small disciplines, unimportant in themselves; imagine maintaining any kind of swoon, commiserative or carnal, in a cold shower.”
To be, she means that while coming to terms with all aspects of yourself can be a frightening and hugely unpleasant experience. But that doesn’t mean when you feel the urge to cry or give up, you should immediately stop yourself and revert back to a state where you weren’t moving in the direction of change through an unpleasant realization. Just as with great bursts of inspiration, where I drop everything to write for a magical few hours, it would be inane to say to myself “Hey, now how can I avoid acting on this inspiration? What can I do to shift my conscious away from doing this great thing that I’d really, really like to do?” Self-respect is a two-way street, in that sense, too much bemoaning your own faults and too much glorifying your own triumphs makes for truly stunted skills, writing included.
I love this, especially the way you turn your meditation on self-respect towards its place in your writing life. You write that envy of others "contentment with their writing" while we "writhe over our own" is a pointed and very dangerous waste of time." Yes. And I think it's also a measure of the absence of self respect. There is a small body of writing by writers about their envy of others' success, and I've always found this compelling because for many years I felt it myself. Some years ago, that shifted, and now I celebrate my friends' successes. What a welcome change! I'd like to think it has to do with self-respect, though I've always said it has to do with simply having faith in my own work. Maybe that's a form of self-respect?
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